(From April 8)
Woah… the last time that I wrote feels so long ago, I
barely know how to summarize my life since then. But, I’ll do my best.
So, surprise surprise, I ended up NOT going out on
Tuesday night, because, as we already know, I’m lame, and I ended up falling
asleep in my bed waiting for a text from Sally, alerting me to the place to
meet. My host mom was literally so disappointed in me, she barely looked at me
the next day. Lots of shame tbh.
On Wednesday, we split into groups to visit sites revolving
around food and food security in the city. I personally saw a small-scale urban
farm near Phillipi horticultural land. The farmer was kind of zany… He made a
lot of extremely contradictory statements that seemed almost endearing at first
but quickly became too problematic for me to respect. I’m sure my disapproval
began to come through in a nasty looking frown on my face, but I really couldn’t
control it. I spoke with Michael after the visit, and he seemed pretty relieved
to find that I had noticed the glaring inconsistencies as well. Often on this
program, groupthink can run rampant, and if you’re aware enough to notice that
discussions are careening off the path of rationality, it can feel frightening
and lonely wondering if you’re the singular person calling for critical thought
and adherence to reality. Therefore, I’m finally finding my people, in a sense,
that have managed to stay analytical and tethered to real life. Because
honestly, this program has begun to remind me a lot of The Bachelor. You know, these girls and this guy come into this
completely artificial situation in which they’re jetting around the world, having
experiences and meeting people in these completely superficial and irreplicable
environments, and then expecting the feelings they develop and the ideologies
they espouse to carry back over to real life. But often, they don’t—because we
are seeing the fringe of society, a periphal minority (that people call the
majority literally all of the time, which is just not true). I’d say half of
the guides whom have led me around on various visits readily admit that they
commit crimes and engage in illegal activity—and those are the ones that
actually just say it. I’m starting to
ramble a bit, but I guess that’s just me attempting to reach back out to the
rational at home, watching the program unfold and laughing with popcorn at the
antics of the crying girls and jetlagged hysteria. God, I can’t wait for the
finale.
Anyways, Michael, Eli, and I ended up separating from the
main group for lunch and conversed about race and identity and really cool
topics that I usually feel to uncomfortable to discuss with people in my class
because *see above*. As I spoke and sometimes disagreed with the others, I
realized that I’m actually starting to form some pretty sophisticated opinions
on the subject and that I’m actually pretty comfortable with the way I see
myself and with my own identities. I was worried, because during the first week
or so here, I felt so unsure and my identity seemed so fragile; but I’m
starting to reconcile the seeming inconsistencies in who I am and to
crystallize (quite comfortably!) my own *self*. Yay!
I’m also trying to approach class in a constructive way when
I get frustrated. Instead of simply zoning out or unkindly bursting out “WRONG.
WRONG WRONG. YOU ARE ALL WRONG,” which could, as you might imagine, be
counter-productive, I have returned to my methods of India, in which I absorbed
what was being said with (hopefully) an intrigued and kind looking face, then
scribbling down and articulating my arguments with certain statements. One of
my least favorite things about Harvard (woah sorry big topic change, take a sec
to catch up) is that people often think saying “I disagree” or “not in my
opinion” is enough to validate their differences from you. But that’s so
unproductive and meaningless—if you can’t articulate why you disagree, or if you find that maybe, when you try to think
of reasons to defend your own opinion against that of another… Then maybe that’s
not actually what you believe. To say you disagree without validation is lazy—it
allows you to settle into your rut of formed opinion without ever peeking your
head over the side of this whole which you’ve dug for yourself to look for some
other ideas which may be even more aligned with your actual beliefs.
WOW long way to say that I refuse to be lazy and I refuse
to engage in groupthink, SO my recourse must be to constantly prove to myself
why I find my thoughts right and those of my peers incorrect. Constantly. Which
must be why I nap for two hours every single day after my nine hours of class.
UGH.
But, I got a bit of a mental break yesterday during a
site visit to Hout Bay and Hangberg, two of the most beautiful places I’ve seen
in Cape Town and honestly the world. A drive around Signal Hill (on which my
home in Bo’kaap rests) and to the seaside elicited “wow!’s and cheers from the
ten of us in the car. The clear blue water with rocky shores and seaweed
peeking out of the waves, winding roads around shrubby hills with breathtaking
views, and, in a little bay of a fishing community, bobbing sailboats of
varnished red, blue, and green. I was thrilled by the sights. We also got to
watch a woman throw bits of fish to a seal, who would do little hops out of the
water and twist and turn in order to retrieve the yumminess. She also possessed
a tiny, very young puppy—it’d probably just opened its eyes—and I nearly cried
while cuddling it to my chest. I miss my dogs so much.
On this visit, which was related to housing, our guide
incorporated not only the hard facts of the community but also numerous
opportunities to marvel at the nature in the area and enjoy the Cape Townian
environment. At one point, after a difficult hike up to a viewpoint overlooking
Seal Island (an island literally covered in
barking seals!), our guide engaged in a rather somber lecture on the fishermen
of the community and the rampant informal settlements. In the middle of his
talk, though, he suddenly and calmly interjected, “Oh look, a whale,” and we all turned
eagerly to the ocean to watch a whale spout out some water and breach for a
second or two. IT WAS THE COOLEST.
Being in such a beautiful place, surrounded by water and
mountains with brush and hiking trails reminded me so much of—you guessed it—California.
As I get closer to going home (twenty-four days!!!!), I find myself remembering
things and missing things that seem unbelievably random. Yesterday, for
example, I began to desperately miss this one intersection on La Palma near my
hairdresser’s and dear family friend’s home. The people, of course, I miss
dreadfully, but yesterday, I missed the literal intersection and the feelings
of anticipation and excitement associated with that intersection. Funky, right?
I am literally just sooooo homesick and so excited to see home and my family, I
can hardly contain it. I swear I’ll appreciate all of them a thousand times
more than I already did!!!
Yesterday, after returning home from this housing visit,
I quickly changed and dressed up a little then met Sally and Eli for First
Thursdays. First Thursdays is a new phenomenon in Cape Town in which on the
first Thursday of every month, galleries and museums open up with free
admission for late hours. We wandered through art galleries and South African
markets and a nearby bar to enjoy the culture and nightlife of the city. I felt
very ~cultured~ examining art and appreciating the artists (especially Lisa Littlewort,
her work is amazing and exquisite), but the fact that I felt so cultured and
mature probably means that I’m usually not… Oh well. I loved slipping into some
idea of what I think is cultured. And the artwork was very beautiful.
Today was literally the longest day yet on the program. Class
began at 8:30 AM and did not end until after 5 PM. We had only short breaks and
a transient lunch during which we had to eat quickly then walk briskly to our
visit. I am utterly exhausted and kind of frustrated by the packed schedule to
which we’re subjected. I feel unable to absorb all of the information, because
I’m just tired after hours and hours
of class. It’s hard to pay that much attention!!! Sally and I hit up a free
WiFi zone after class, then I ate a quick (and delicious) upon my homecoming,
and I passed out on my bed for two hours without the energy to turn the light
off.
I was going to
edit and finish a paper, as well as skim through some class readings, but maybe
I’ll give myself the Friday night off and just lose myself in Infinite Jest until I drift off to
sleep. I’ve got a packed and busy and fun weekend coming up—and I can’t wait!!
Kisses,
Aubrey
